The parking lot of the Beverly Center looked like a Southern football stadium, as thousands of men tailgated in anticipation of the first night in theaters for “Sex In The City.”  After the weekend was done, the dedicated fans felt as though the effort was worth it.

“Man, there were so many chicks up in that parking lot!” said Larry Jackson of Long Beach.  “One of them girls looked so tender, she must have come off my grill with these bomb ass hind quarters.”

Like most of the tailgaters, Jackson drove an RV, even though all the revelers lived within driving distance.  They all said they didn't want to miss a moment of this special weekend.

“I'm gonna put it like this – every breezy I called this week said they were going to the movies.  Every single one, dog,” said Johnny White, who drove from Inglewood.  “I figured that I could come out here and see some ladies, see some white girls, you know what I mean?  There's some bad Asians, too.”

White also derived an unexpected benefit from his trip.  “I saw that one chick I was dealing with up in here with some simp lookin' cat.  Yeah, let him pay for this movie.  Gas too expensive for all that, no way.  We'll see where she at when the movie's over.”

White had no comment after the lady in question was seen kissing her date in the parking lot.

This weekend was seen as the best in recent years for parking lot pimping in the Los Angeles area, perhaps the greatest weekend since the Lakers won the NBA championship in 2002.  Jackson said this weekend was certainly better.

“See, only cats with dough can get in a Laker game, which doesn't help my broke ass very much when I try to do my thing,” he said.  “But man, anybody can afford a movie ticket.  There's all kinds of other broke cats out here.  Long as I keep my white-T fresh, I think I'm gonna be doing OK out here.”

Police were on hand to keep things orderly, but they eventually blended in with the partiers.  “Did you see that girl's ass right there?” asked Sgt. Thomas Samuels of the Los Angeles Police Department.  “I'm sorry, did you just ask me a question?  If so, why are you asking me questions and not looking at all of this?”

Many ladies seemed shocked by the site of barbecue grills and men looking through binoculars as they walked in the parking lot, but some liked the atmosphere.  

“Some old dude at the end gave me some hot links to put in my purse before I went inside,” LaShonda Williams said.  “That's chivalry.  I know I wish these dudes would have been out here when 'Iron Man' came out.”

*DISCLAIMER: Anything you read in Stop Lyin' is complete and total satire.

HOUSTON -- “Grand Theft Auto: Lone Star,” a reality show that started filming three months ago in advance of the release of “Grand Theft Auto IV,” the latest installment of a premier line of video games.  But after a seventh man was the victim of violence connected with the production, filming was stopped yesterday.

That man, Charles Jackson, was killed after being shot by a motorist in the area near Houston's Galleria Mall.  Jackson approached the driver's side of a 2007 Mercedes and demanded that Jason Fitzgerald give up his car.  Mr. Fitzgerald, who was leaving the Neiman Marcus parking lot, responded by grabbing a .38-caliber handgun from the center console and shooting Jackson four times in the chest, center mass.

“I had no idea what was going on,” Fitzgerald said after being honored by the mayor at a ceremony at City Hall.  “At times like those, grabbing your pistol is always a good idea.  And clearly, it was the way to go.”

Producer Reuben Wilson accepted responsibility for Jackson's death, citing his staff's dedication to maintaining the integrity of the game.  “In the game, you don't start with a gun,” Wilson said.  “Maybe that was something we should have changed.”

Jackson's death was the sixth man killed since GTA: LS started production.  Willie Rodriguez was shot on the East Side after he tried to sell crack on another man's corner, but he survived with a flesh wound.

The strangest case was the shooting of Jackie Benson, who was shot at 47 times by police after trying to steal the officers' car while they stopped another motorist.  Benson survived the gunfire – only 15 shots connected, and none in critical areas – but he nearly died of internal bleeding caused by blunt force trauma.

Benson says he was entrapped.  “Man, the producer said they put in the damn cheat code to make the cops stop tripping,” Benson said.  “But when I'm in the backseat, getting my ass whipped with 15 bullets in me, where he at?  Huh?”

Wilson said the code was inputted improperly, blaming the mistake on “[his] damn fat fingers.”  The officers, who were meeting President Bush at the White House, could not be reached for comment.

“Grand Theft Auto: Lone Star” allows contestants to play a real life version of “Grand Theft Auto,” a video game series that allows players to engage in criminal activity to acquire guns, money, sex and power.  Unrealistically, players can endure multiple gunshots without stopping their nefarious actions.  The games typically feature great soundtracks.

Wilson said he was troubled by what happened, but still thought this was good promotion for the next version of GTA.  “We came to Texas because we knew it would provide the conflicts on the street that would mirror those on the game.  We knew the people would shoot back.  We just didn't know they were that good,” Wilson said on the way to a meeting with an army of lawyers.  “I need to get that Fitzgerald guy in a motion-capture suit pronto so we can start 'GTA V.'”

Rodriguez, the only contestant available to speak to the press, said the show was successful, even though it was abbreviated.  “I mean, I got shot, but I'm here to talk about it,” he said.  “That's just like the game.  Except the guys can still get something after they get shot.  My head is killing me, and they're kicking me out of the hospital tomorrow.  They need to work on that before they do this again.”

One contestant is missing.  Johnny “Big Ugly” Watkins was one of the first contestants, but one day he refused to be filmed any more.  “Man, Johnny started moving a lot of weight, but then he forgot who got him there,” Wilson said.  “Telling me 'a live camera means a dead cameraman.'  We'll see him in court.  Clearly, he didn't read that release closely enough.”

Rumors are flying that Watkins is looking to start Big Ugly Records.

Activists decried the show and are glad it ended when it did.  “It's about time,” said anti-violence protestor Muhammad Freeman of Hiram Clarke.  “What if someone had been playing this game in my neighborhood?  I would have had to lay some fool down.  Either him or me.  Imagine the conflict, my brother.  Imagine it.”

City Hall released a statement to express its disappointment that GTA: LS would leave the Bayou City.  “Houstonians have lost a chance to send the world a message about life in our city,” read the statement.  “But, in that short time, I believe we've sent a powerful message about our city to the world.”

*DISCLAIMER: Anything you read in Stop Lyin' is complete and total satire.