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Grand Theft Auto: Lone Star

By Luther R. Dawson on May 15, 08:18 AM

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Grand Theft Auto: Lone Star

HOUSTON -- “Grand Theft Auto: Lone Star,” a reality show that started filming three months ago in advance of the release of “Grand Theft Auto IV,” the latest installment of a premier line of video games. But after a seventh man was the victim of violence connected with the production, filming was stopped yesterday.

That man, Charles Jackson, was killed after being shot by a motorist in the area near Houston's Galleria Mall. Jackson approached the driver's side of a 2007 Mercedes and demanded that Jason Fitzgerald give up his car. Mr. Fitzgerald, who was leaving the Neiman Marcus parking lot, responded by grabbing a .38-caliber handgun from the center console and shooting Jackson four times in the chest, center mass.

“I had no idea what was going on,” Fitzgerald said after being honored by the mayor at a ceremony at City Hall. “At times like those, grabbing your pistol is always a good idea. And clearly, it was the way to go.”

Producer Reuben Wilson accepted responsibility for Jackson's death, citing his staff's dedication to maintaining the integrity of the game. “In the game, you don't start with a gun,” Wilson said. “Maybe that was something we should have changed.”

Jackson's death was the sixth man killed since GTA: LS started production. Willie Rodriguez was shot on the East Side after he tried to sell crack on another man's corner, but he survived with a flesh wound.

The strangest case was the shooting of Jackie Benson, who was shot at 47 times by police after trying to steal the officers' car while they stopped another motorist. Benson survived the gunfire – only 15 shots connected, and none in critical areas – but he nearly died of internal bleeding caused by blunt force trauma.

Benson says he was entrapped. “Man, the producer said they put in the damn cheat code to make the cops stop tripping,” Benson said. “But when I'm in the backseat, getting my ass whipped with 15 bullets in me, where he at? Huh?”

Wilson said the code was inputted improperly, blaming the mistake on “[his] damn fat fingers.” The officers, who were meeting President Bush at the White House, could not be reached for comment.

“Grand Theft Auto: Lone Star” allows contestants to play a real life version of “Grand Theft Auto,” a video game series that allows players to engage in criminal activity to acquire guns, money, sex and power. Unrealistically, players can endure multiple gunshots without stopping their nefarious actions. The games typically feature great soundtracks.

Wilson said he was troubled by what happened, but still thought this was good promotion for the next version of GTA. “We came to Texas because we knew it would provide the conflicts on the street that would mirror those on the game. We knew the people would shoot back. We just didn't know they were that good,” Wilson said on the way to a meeting with an army of lawyers. “I need to get that Fitzgerald guy in a motion-capture suit pronto so we can start 'GTA V.'”

Rodriguez, the only contestant available to speak to the press, said the show was successful, even though it was abbreviated. “I mean, I got shot, but I'm here to talk about it,” he said. “That's just like the game. Except the guys can still get something after they get shot. My head is killing me, and they're kicking me out of the hospital tomorrow. They need to work on that before they do this again.”

One contestant is missing. Johnny “Big Ugly” Watkins was one of the first contestants, but one day he refused to be filmed any more. “Man, Johnny started moving a lot of weight, but then he forgot who got him there,” Wilson said. “Telling me 'a live camera means a dead cameraman.' We'll see him in court. Clearly, he didn't read that release closely enough.”

Rumors are flying that Watkins is looking to start Big Ugly Records.

Activists decried the show and are glad it ended when it did. “It's about time,” said anti-violence protestor Muhammad Freeman of Hiram Clarke. “What if someone had been playing this game in my neighborhood? I would have had to lay some fool down. Either him or me. Imagine the conflict, my brother. Imagine it.”

City Hall released a statement to express its disappointment that GTA: LS would leave the Bayou City. “Houstonians have lost a chance to send the world a message about life in our city,” read the statement. “But, in that short time, I believe we've sent a powerful message about our city to the world.”

*DISCLAIMER: Anything you read in Stop Lyin' is complete and total satire.





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Stop Lyin'
Luther R. Dawson

Luther R. Dawson is black.  He is Southern.  He knows that, sometimes, the truth isn't as smart as what he could make up.  So he makes stuff up.

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